date: Thursday, February 08, 2007 @ 8:00 pm
title: What have you achieved since last month?
I remembered pastor once asked me this question: "what have you achieved since last month?" Since that day she spoke to me about my attitude towards work, this question has been in my mind.
It's Feb now. One full month. What have I achieved? Could I have achieved more?
For the past few weeks, I have been struggling to stablise myself. Getting into the momentum of doing things, yet I felt that I have not been doing enough to justify the invaluable time that was bestowed to me. The most terrifying thing for me is that I felt more lethergic and restless.
Although, I have been doing things, but I feel that I have not been faithful in accomplishing the assignments that are given to me. Accomplishing acts are seriously not my vocation. More like hanging-halfway-in-the-mid-air. Mum has been telling me about my past. How a son I have been to her. How my character flaws is due to hernelgeigence as the family disciplinarian.
I have to consent to this: I am ill-discipline.
Not long ago, I was lamenting to my leader about my mum having tonnes of issues to say about me, her instant reply was that I sounded like a 'problematic child'. I know she said in a rather jovial way, from her tone. I laughed silent. Not that I disagree with her, but I really felt that I have been one since young. Like my innate ill-discipline is due to my genetic make-up.
I credit this to my beloved genes. I'm not sure if this is in any way related to my poor memory. But from another point of view, it could be due to that I'm a lazy slop. Na. Yet again, I would disagree that I have poor memory, but its another story for another day.
Yes. Genes. Yes. Ill-discipline. Sometimes I see this ill-discipline of mine as a friend and at time my fiend. Just quoting one incident lately - driving lessons. My leg work and hand work are at odds with one another. Simply saying, putting both of them together will make my vehicle a 'weapon of mass destruction' ( oh man. this phrase sounds so distant ever since... - political sensitive topic- ) I nearly killed my instructor. how about tt? hahaha. I can't discipline my limbs.
Yes. Mr ill-discipline, so how am I going to do with you? I'm sure this question popped out in my instructor's mind when i nearly crashed the car at the kerb, at the stationary fleet of cars by the road, at the junction...
Oh well. I believe in the power of prayer and in the word of God: 'for when I am weak, I am strong.' Seriously, I feel demoralised. Its good if it makes me want to strive better. Its bad if it gets into me too much and stirs my emotions. In any case, I need patience and practice. I really want to give up but driving is not about me, its about the purpose of being able to drive - availability and others.
This might sound cheezy: 'I drive for others, not for myself.' I pray hard that tmr I will be more skillful in taming this metallic monster of mine.
